Stop Exepecting you from your spouse

Different doesn’t mean wrong.

 

Why do we get stuck into the trap of thinking our spouses should just know...

Or why do we expect them to think and respond just like us? I mean, we’ve been married for 20 years so shouldn’t we be on the same page about everything? 

No, just because I do something one way or another doesn’t mean my spouse should do it that exact same way. 

 

Unrealistic expectations just leads to resentment and frustration. 

We often think that our way of doing something is the most efficient and that’s fine. Keep doing it the way you always have, but also be open to hearing other perspectives or ideas and stop expecting your spouse to do it your way

It’s not about being right or wrong in the relationship, it’s about understanding, respect, compromisation, and listening to each other. 

The reality is, that expecting your spouse to act like you will only create tension. If we expect others to respond to life’s challenges or joys exactly the way we would, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Differences in behavior aren’t wrong—they’re just different. 

If you want your relationship to grow we have to learn to adapt, evolve, and learn from each other. 

For example, if one partner is more detail-oriented and the other is big-picture focused, these differences can complement each other. Instead of getting frustrated that your spouse isn’t as meticulous or forward-thinking as you are, appreciate how their perspective brings balance. Differences in behavior and thought processes encourage us to see things from a broader viewpoint, which fosters understanding and connection.

Avoid making judgments about your spouse’s actions and instead, focus on understanding their perspective.

For example, my spouse handles stress by staying quiet and he focuses on solving the problem, while I prefer to talk about my feelings. Be careful how you interpret each other. It would be easy for me to assume that husband is being distant but because we’ve discussed it, I know that he needs time to process and I don’t interpret his quietness as negative behavior. 

By respecting these differences and adjusting your expectations, you can create a balance that meets both of your emotional needs during challenging times.

Practical Tips for Overcoming Expectations

Here are some practical steps to help you stop expecting yourself out of your spouse and start embracing their differences:

  1. Practice Mindfulness: When you feel frustrated by your partner’s differences, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself if this difference is really a problem, is it really going to matter in 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years from now?
  2. Develop Empathy and Curiosity: Instead of judging your spouse’s actions, become curious about why they do things the way they do. Ask questions and try to see things from their perspective. “Can you help me understand why you load the dishwasher the way you do?” 
  3. Celebrate Differences: Focus on how your differences complement each other. If you handle stress differently, recognize how this can balance the relationship. For example, one person’s calmness can diffuse the other’s anxiety.
  4. Focus on the Big Picture: Don’t let small differences in behavior create unnecessary conflict. If your spouse doesn’t fold the laundry the way you do, is it really worth the argument? Instead, appreciate that they’re contributing in their own way. 
  5. Open Communication: Continually check in with your partner about what they need in the relationship. Create a space where both of you feel comfortable expressing your differences without fear of judgment.

Conclusion

We are setting ourselves up for disappointment when we expect ourselves out of our spouses. It just creates disconnection, resentment, and tension in the marriage. 

Recognize that differences are not only natural but essential for growth.  Change the judgment to perspective and appreciation. Embrace the fact that your spouse’s unique approach brings balance, depth, and new perspectives into your relationship. In doing so, you’ll foster a deeper connection, a stronger partnership, and a more fulfilling marriage.

So next time you find yourself frustrated by a difference in how your spouse handles things, remember: different doesn’t mean wrong—it just means there’s another way to do it.

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